Traditionally, we think of a type as some sort of romantic checklist of things that we like and we predominantly fall for. For example, I might be attracted to a tall, dark haired man who has lots of money, who talks about all the wonderful things they've done, when they've traveled across the globe and all the amazing experiences they've had. That's the romantic version of a type. But there is actually another definition of a type that we need to be aware of. You see, a type is an individual who we tend to fall intensely in love with. We're deeply attracted to them, we get butterflies very quickly, and we're also drawn to them for very inexplicable reasons. Yet, we feel like we've known this person for a very long time.
Examples of our type:
Let's take a step back, talk about an example of this and also to get a better appreciation for how these kind of interactions take place. When we're dating, we typically can experience quite a number of people who we're confronted with who we fall in love with very quickly. And when we take a look at all their behavior, we start to see some patterns of similarity.
For example, one of the quickest and easiest ways to establish what a type is for each and every one of us is by going back and thinking about what was the one thing that stood out as a characteristic amongst all of the people that we're attracted to. Specifically, think back to the guys you've dated who'd left you when things got intimate, who withdrew emotionally - were hot and cold, they didn't reply to texts as frequently, and they just vanished out of thin air, or they suddenly broke broke up with you. These kinds of intense experiences are examples where the outcome is always the same and reveals a pattern of behavior of emotionally unavailable men who are very intimate at the beginning, but they have a fear of intimacy.
But that's only one kind of example. You also might be the kind of person where you might find yourself in a relationship where you typically date narcissists or individuals who have low empathy, where everything is very romantic at the start, and you feel good with them but then the bad behavior starts to kick in. This can lead you to feeling incredibly emotionally bruised, manipulated, and gaslit.
And another example is if you're a person who has been, dating people for a while and you find yourself getting incredibly anxious and suffer from overthinking when you're in a relationship, it might actually stem from something bigger than just the guys that you're attracted to. And let me explain where this all comes from.
How our parents impact who we're attracted to:
As we're growing up, as children, we fall in love with our very first pair of people: our parents. Our baseline for attraction and also for affection is within our mother and father. Now, I want to be very clear and explain that this is not the romantic kind of love. This is simply the affection that we feel that sense of bonding and connection with a person who has raised us, but it's very important. Our fathers, particularly for us men, have such a huge influence on the kind of partners that we're going to be attracted to. So let's take the emotionally unavailable example, if your father was someone who was distant, left when you were young, wasn't very emotional, and not very caring and giving, then you might find yourself attracted to similar men. So when you've dated men in the past when the intimacy is good, it feels amazing, there is something else under the surface. There is a recognition within you that this feels like someone you've known for a very long time. And funnily enough, the reason this partner feels like someone you've known all your life is because it's your father in the body of another person. The other problem is that that sometimes we subconsciously think that we can actually fix that person and correct the flaws that were present in our father within our partner. Unfortunately, this person is not going to change. They are who they are.
How our body reacts to our type:
Your gut will likely be screaming at you through the butterflies in your stomach and the intense excitement you feel. The reason for this is because in many cases, your body is anxious because it recognises your father's behavior in your partner. And it's trying to send you signals through the butterflies, through the emotional anxiety when they're not around, telling you that this person is not good for you. And it's confusing because on one hand, you're attracted to this person, but your gut and your head are also sending you mixed signals, confusing the whole mix. You believe you're in intense love but with real love there is no extreme highs and lows. Those feelings are a sign that you're dating a type.
How to recognise your type in others:
What you can do about this is recognise that these kinds of individuals really are not the people that you want to be dating. They are not the kind of people that are ultimately good for your mental health or for a stable relationship. And with all due respect, they're not suddenly going to change and be the man that you are
expecting them to be. It's a tough pill to swallow.
So with that in mind, what you can do about it is if you're in a situation where you feel like you're recognizing your own signals in your body go off, you feel that anxiety when your guy isn't texting you back consistently after everything appeared really good, you feel like they might be displaying signs of withdrawal when they're not with you, or when you feel as though their behavior doesn't match up, be mindful of how you feel in those moments. You have to ask yourself a question: is this person good for me? And the reason that's an important question to ask is so that you break away from having this pattern happen sooner, rather than getting into the same situation again. I want to make it clear that it is easy to feel self defeated, believing, "I'll never meets the one, I'll never be with a guy who's good". This thought isn't helpful because there are actually an abundance of men who are amazing and are meant to be with people such as yourself, but until you break
away from the habit of being with men who carry that pattern from your own upbringing, you're never going to see the light of day and be with a man who's ready for you. You might even be pushing the ideal men away, unbeknownst to you thinking that they're not good enough for you because you think that you're attracted to a particular kind of guy who in reality is actually not good for you.
In short, this is how a type can influence dating and also why it's good to be recognizing these kinds of behavior patterns in potential partners and how they might be keeping you stuck from finding your Mr. Right.
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