Let's talk: are you an honest person? Your answer will most definitely be, ‘yes, I am an honest person.’ Now let's expand the definition of honesty to include: consistency across all of our actions and being upfront and honest with everyone around us about how we think and feel. I think a lot of us would struggle under this definition of honesty.
Let me share you a story of how we can struggle to remain honest in dating… Take one of my clients, Eric. Eric had been dating a new guy lately. He'd done all the right things by asking his partner on date 1, “how do you feel about dating to be in a relationship," and later asked a few dates later, “how are you feeling about where things are going,” and has received consistent green lights and has been feeling good. Things were going well…
Until they weren't… Eric had made his partner a really beautiful card for Valentine's Day… and didn't hear back from his partner for over 24 hours. After he got a lukewarm response back from his partner about the card he'd made for his partner, my client was devastated and felt like he'd been wasting his time whilst also being deeply hurt.
So what did he do next? He decided to post on social media how he was feeling instead of confronting his partner about how he really felt. When his partner saw this he confronted Eric to see if he was the cause of Eric's bad mood, and Eric lied and said, “nah, it's not you.” Why? Because he was scared of losing his partner.
Even though Eric's partner had not done the right thing by getting back to him about how the card made him feel uneasy, Eric felt both hurt and terrified. The fear of losing his partner outweighed telling his partner how he really felt… This is where 99% of dating dishonesty can stem from. The fear of losing our partner. It might seem small but the consequence can be that we lose ourselves to please another person out of the fear that they'll leave us. This is people pleasing and self-abandonment. We dishonor ourselves in order to keep things going smoothly. Fortunately, Eric's story has a happy ending… After we spoke, I encouraged Eric to look at it like this: If he was to be honest about how he was hurt, he'd know once and for all if his partner actually cared enough about him. Eric took this to heart.
And when Eric saw his partner later that evening, it was his partner who opened up and asked him how he was really feeling and that allowed Eric to be vulnerable and tell him how he'd been hurt. His partner apologised, expressed how the card had made him feel uneasy and they both resolved to work on the mismatched pace between them.
Eric would later find out that his partner had actually left guys in the past who were dishonest so in being open and vulnerable with his partner he not only maintained the trust, but also their budding relationship which has, to date, been growing stronger and more stable every day!
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Now if you've skipped to the bottom of this and want to understand the importance of this story, here's what you need to know:
- Too often we allow our fear of losing our partner to override our honesty
- In order to feel like we're in partnership we need to establish honesty from the start
- If our partner is a team player they will respect and honour our trust
- If your partner does something to violate your trust, that's THEIR insecurity and their OWN lack of honesty - it doesn't mean you should distrust all guys, it means your partner is dishonest with themselves.
Reply back if you've found yourselves losing trust with the guys you date. P.S: Annnnd if you're looking to regain your sense of trust after a bad breakup and to feel better about dating, click the link to apply to work with me as part of my 1:1 coaching. Hurry as I only take 5 clients on per every 2 months!
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